Ask Tatutoro Honzashi, Kage of the Kudo Ninja Clan

Ask Tatutoro Honzashi, Kage of the Kudo Ninja Clan

Expert swordsman, ruthless ninja killer and nationally syndicated advice columnist Tatutoro Honzashi is here to answer uour difficult and distressing personal problems.

Dear Tatutoro,

Please help me. In a moment of rash foolishness, believing I was doing the right thing, I've become involved with a sinister and shadowy organisation whose iron grip extends to every area of my life and has inflicted untold suffering on myself and those I love. I'm unable to break free, so much so that I lie awake at sweating and grinding my teeth. Do you have a solution? Have you ever undertaken study with the Open University yourself?

A Masochist,
Stourbridge

Konichiwa Masochist-san,

As Kage - supreme ruler and overlord of feudal Japan's most powerful and secret Ninja clan - I am no stranger to the kind of organisation you describe. However, I encourage you to understand that a brutal regime of self-development and discipline lies at the heart of every Ninja's life. This will help you to grow strong and flourish in the thick of your detractors.

Remember of course that your enemies are everywhere, and their jealous and greedy eyes bore into your turned back. Consider your employers - you can only know what evil lurks in their black hearts by cutting them out and placing them in a specially-constructed bag. Your gymnasium is filled with women younger and in better health than you - they represent a serious threat to your position in the eyes of your husband and must be eliminated, preferably by poision, explosives or the kusarifundo - a traditional metal garrotte.

Only when all who could threaten your position have been destroyed by the skillful use of your carefully channelled and controlled fury can you truly feel free to resume your own life.

You may find the wisdom and self-knowledge that comes from studying this
document beneficial.

In the meantime, remember that there is no dilemma under heaven and earth that a series of short, downward stabbing thrusts cannot permanently resolve in a most satisfactory manner.

Until our next correspondence, I remain your attentive servant.

Sincerely,

Tatutoro Honzashi,
Kage, Kudo Ninja Clan

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