I'm sorry, OK? I apologise in advance.
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Hey, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in".
"So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you".
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me," and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby picks himself up and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He then turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f** king menthol".
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in".
"So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you".
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me," and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby picks himself up and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He then turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f** king menthol".
posted by Alice at 4:12 pm
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The M3 and the A36 are sitting in a pub. The M3 is leering aggressively over his pint at the other drinkers. 'You know,' he says to the A36, 'I can take anyone in this pub.' 'Really?' says the A36, 'even the M5?' 'Don't make me laugh,' says the M4, 'I'd stamp on his bollocks and make him cry like a girl.' The A36 is impressed. 'How about the M25?' 'The M25 still twitches whenever anyone mentions my name' scoffs the M4.
Just then the door of the pub opens and in comes a little narrow strip of tarmac all freshly painted with white lines. The M3 jumps up from the table, knocks over his pint and flees out of the pub by the back door.
The A36 runs after him and catches up. 'What was that all about?' he puffs, 'you're a big hard motorway, what are you afraid of a little strip of tarmac like that for?'
'Strip of tarmac?' shouts the M3, 'it's all very well messing with motorways but that guy is a complete cycle path.'
I thank you.
An entomologist walks into a audio shop and says to the assistant:
“I’m looking for a good quality record player in order to listen to this rare 1938 Swiss recording of swarming wasps.”
The assistant raises an eyebrow, takes the 12” disc from the entomologist and puts it on a reasonable quality deck. After a couple of seconds the entomologist insists the assistant turns it off:
“That doesn’t sound right at all. Try a better quality player”
So the assistant takes the disc to a top-of-the-range deck and sets it playing. Shortly afterwards the entomologist starts shaking his head:
“No, no, that still doesn’t sound quite right.”
The assistant takes the entomologist to the demonstration room and sits him down. He puts the disc on several thousand pounds worth of the best quality audio equipment money can buy. The surround sound system fills the room with buzzing. The entomologist frowns:
“I’ve been studying wasps for 20years and I’ve never heard them sound like that”
The assistant gets his manager. The manager takes one look at the situation and realises the problem immediately. He walks over to the record deck and turns the disc over:
“That’s your problem. You were listening to the Bee side.”
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