Ask Tatutoro Honzashi, Kage of the Kudo Ninja Clan

Expert swordsman, ruthless ninja killer and nationally syndicated advice columnist Tatutoro Honzashi is here to answer uour difficult and distressing personal problems.

Dear Tatutoro,

My family and I are are having a great deal of trouble choosing a breed of dog that will fit in with our lifestyle. I am a bearded surveyor who enjoys boardgames and self-depriciation; whereas my wife's receational pastimes include beating her servants and being very fickle. We have a four year daughter who cites 'cutting and sticking' as her main interests.

Can you help us?

M Green,
Stourbridge

Konichiwa Green-san,

A ninja's familiarity with attack dogs of every type begins early in life. I am therefore expertly placed to comment on your situation. You will not go wrong if you bear in mind simple ninja principles of dog ownership:

1. Whatever dog you choose, make sure it weighs more than you do.
2. Be sure the dog is intelligent enough to understand simple coded commands to kill and maim.
3. Ensure that your chosen breed has a history of plausible deniability in cases of fatal assault.

With that in mind, can I suggest these highlights from www.dogbreedinfo.com?

The Akbash Dog has 'keen hearing' and 'superior strength'. A big Akbash weighs a satisfying 130lbs and can have as many as 4d8 hit points. Armour class is a concern, but this is offset by the Akbash's possession of 'a massive head and powerful jaws'. For me, the cardinal point is that an Akbash can 'stand up against bears and wolves'. Apparently, an Akbash is fine for children over the age of 8, when 'the child can participate in submission exercises, with an adult, on the dog.' Akbashs apparently require a tight discipline regime to keep them controlled in urban environments. Given her previous level of training, I am confident your daughter will manage.

If the Akbash seems unsuitable, I urge you to consider the Canis Panther. Apparently, this noble creature was 'developed in the USA in the 1970s by Mr. Cleotha " Scorpio " Jones' using 'the Black Great Dane, Black Labrador, Doberman Pinscher, and the Staffordshire Terrier'. A ninja knows he can trust anything that is the offshoot of freak genetic experimentation by a man named 'Scorpio'. A good size Canis Panther weighs 140lbs, is described as 'heavily muscled' and best of all is recognised by the Personal Protection Dogs Association (P.P.D.A.)

Of course, I am prohibited from recommending this even if does have 'a very high pain threshold' and is 'trained to fight silently'. This makes me sad, because as dogbreedinfo.com wisely reminds us: 'Keep the Tosa away from other dogs that may want to fight, because the Tosa will most certainly win.'

All quotes are taken directly from the pages of www.dogbreedinfo.com.

In summary, bear in mind traditional ninja dog-owning wisdom:

'Your dog should be the same as your wife in that both should be obedient, faithful and occasionally starved to keep them keen. Your dog should be different to your wife in that it should be ferocious, weigh more than you do and induce feelings of guilt if you have sex with it in a public place.'

I trust my remarks have been of service.

Sincerely,

Tatutoro Honzashi,
Kage, Kudo Ninja Clan

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