Ask Tatutoro Honzashi, Kage of the Kudo Ninja Clan

Expert swordsman, ruthless ninja killer and nationally syndicated advice columnist Tatutoro Honzashi is here to answer uour difficult and distressing personal problems.

Dear Tatutoro,

My family and I are are having a great deal of trouble choosing a breed of dog that will fit in with our lifestyle. I am a bearded surveyor who enjoys boardgames and self-depriciation; whereas my wife's receational pastimes include beating her servants and being very fickle. We have a four year daughter who cites 'cutting and sticking' as her main interests.

Can you help us?

M Green,
Stourbridge

Konichiwa Green-san,

A ninja's familiarity with attack dogs of every type begins early in life. I am therefore expertly placed to comment on your situation. You will not go wrong if you bear in mind simple ninja principles of dog ownership:

1. Whatever dog you choose, make sure it weighs more than you do.
2. Be sure the dog is intelligent enough to understand simple coded commands to kill and maim.
3. Ensure that your chosen breed has a history of plausible deniability in cases of fatal assault.

With that in mind, can I suggest these highlights from www.dogbreedinfo.com?

The Akbash Dog has 'keen hearing' and 'superior strength'. A big Akbash weighs a satisfying 130lbs and can have as many as 4d8 hit points. Armour class is a concern, but this is offset by the Akbash's possession of 'a massive head and powerful jaws'. For me, the cardinal point is that an Akbash can 'stand up against bears and wolves'. Apparently, an Akbash is fine for children over the age of 8, when 'the child can participate in submission exercises, with an adult, on the dog.' Akbashs apparently require a tight discipline regime to keep them controlled in urban environments. Given her previous level of training, I am confident your daughter will manage.

If the Akbash seems unsuitable, I urge you to consider the Canis Panther. Apparently, this noble creature was 'developed in the USA in the 1970s by Mr. Cleotha " Scorpio " Jones' using 'the Black Great Dane, Black Labrador, Doberman Pinscher, and the Staffordshire Terrier'. A ninja knows he can trust anything that is the offshoot of freak genetic experimentation by a man named 'Scorpio'. A good size Canis Panther weighs 140lbs, is described as 'heavily muscled' and best of all is recognised by the Personal Protection Dogs Association (P.P.D.A.)

Of course, I am prohibited from recommending this even if does have 'a very high pain threshold' and is 'trained to fight silently'. This makes me sad, because as dogbreedinfo.com wisely reminds us: 'Keep the Tosa away from other dogs that may want to fight, because the Tosa will most certainly win.'

All quotes are taken directly from the pages of www.dogbreedinfo.com.

In summary, bear in mind traditional ninja dog-owning wisdom:

'Your dog should be the same as your wife in that both should be obedient, faithful and occasionally starved to keep them keen. Your dog should be different to your wife in that it should be ferocious, weigh more than you do and induce feelings of guilt if you have sex with it in a public place.'

I trust my remarks have been of service.

Sincerely,

Tatutoro Honzashi,
Kage, Kudo Ninja Clan

- Dr. Dre is still on holiday

Dear Tatutoro Honzashi, Kage of the Kudo Ninja Clan

My family and I are are having a great deal of trouble choosing a breed of dog that will fit in with our lifestyle. I am a bearded surveyor who enjoys boardgames and self-depriciation; whereas my wife's receational pastimes include beating her servants and being very fickle. We have a four year daughter who cites 'cutting and sticking' as her main interests.

Can you help us?

Childcare problems?

Have an unruly infant, child, or teenager?

Sometimes wish you could just lock them away?

Mattgreen, your dreams have come true... may I present the Baby Cage!

Tuesday Night Fever

It is with no small degree of trepidation that I can announce that I am learning to dance - mostly swing and jive.

This exciting and unprecedented development arises for several reasons:

1.) I like it.

2.) It will make Alicey, with her continuing and much appreciated concern that I actually get into a relationship with a woman before my 50th birthday, happy. Actually, that's a little overstated. She'd probably be fine if I turn out to be gay just so long as I hurry the fuck up.

After one lesson, the instructor commented that I was 'very good'. No-one, dear reader, is more shocked by this news than I. Perhaps its because I've just decided that the jive is simply a branch of martial arts.

How long will this last? I don't know. The course is six weeks long. The dancing is pretty funny, the people seem cool.

Stay tuned for further developments. Mockery and derision are welcomed and will be met with patient tolerance and a sharp smack in the back of the head when you least expect it.

Until then sweet friends, adieu.

Firefly

Oh my word: this series is amazing.

Really, very good indeed. Alice and I are working through the DVD set. There's a follow on film and everything!! .... !!

(I'm quite excited).

Autobiographies

Alicey was asking me if I could recommend any good autobiographies. A few moments thought revealed that my primary areas of interest are:

1.) Politicians, particularly US Presidents
2.) Career criminals
3.) Military leaders

Not very likely to be much use to her. So I came home and considered my shelves further...

'Nothing is impossible' and 'Still me' by Christopher Reeve

Both well-written, both very human and honest as he comes to terms with being paralysed. Also very short.

'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly' by Jean-Dominique Bauby

One of my all-time favourite books - Bauby was the editor of French 'Elle'. Paralysed by a massive stroke, he was left unable to move any muscle in his body except his left eyelid. Using it to communicate with coded blinks, he dictated this book to a secretary. Just awesome.

'It's not about the bike' by Lance Armstrong

Nutter loses testicle to cancer, responds by whipping the French at cycling. Hats off. Less about cycling, more about what you can achieve by just being insanely stubborn and believing you're better than everyone else.

'Walden' by Henry David Thoreau

Literary classic, Thoreau escapes the oppressive urban throb of 19th century New England (village of twenty people much too hectic) and retreats to live in a self-built hut by a lake for a year. Makes copious notes on wildlife and reflects on philosophy. Obviously directly up my walled-garden, your mileage may vary.

'Leadership' by Rudy Guiliani

Autobiography-cum-management textbook by controversial mayor of New York. Includes remarkable account of 9/11. Like him or loathe him, he has strong principles and isn't shy about expressing them. Many undoubted accomplishments and provides interesting insight into what it's like to run a city.

Just about anything by Richard Bach

Author of 'Jonathan Livingstone Seagull', hippy, mystic, aviator - Bach spends his time flying around in a biplane and musing on the nature of reality. If you like that sort of thing, absolutely diamond. If not, well... there are some below I have but haven't read yet...

'I am Jackie Chan' by err... Jackie Chan

Should be good for a laugh.

I don't know the title but it's the autobiography of Max Clifford

Which I would think, if he chooses to get into it, would be highly illuminating.


That's my recommendations... be interested to know what anyone thinks of them. Anyone wanting military/political/criminal recommendations can just post and I'll supply a list.

An inspiring read

The first part of an autobiography by Richard Feynman, a nobel prize winning physicist. It reads very well and shows what you can achieve just by thinking clearly.